Seems my whole world is imploding…

Really at crisis point.

3 major life fuck-ups and I don’t know where I am at, who expects what from me, what I expect from myself, who I am letting down at any one point whilst I try to focus on one or two of the other 3 crisis’s.

Because I am letting people down, no matter where I turn, no matter what I do, someone will be let down.

Be it Anna, my mum, my dad or even me. My friends I am sure feel
let down because I don’t communicate the life fuck ups enough. To me,
thats what they are, fuck ups and I have little motivation to talk and
broadcast any further things that are already causing me to drown.

My Dad is dying, maybe days, maybe weeks. The doctors
dont know. Anna lost her 3 children yesterday in a horrendous High
Court Custody hearing, and I lost £16,000 in my business and told it
was a catastrophic failure when I thought I had done exceptionally well.

This
is the only time in my life where I have desperately wanted this moment in time to be
a nightmare, a downright hideous dream, it is just that bad. It is so fucked up I can’t comprehend
how fucked up things have become.

I
know Anna needs me but I am struggling to even want to think about it.
I feel sick at the pain she must be going through. I know at one level
it was because of me she has lost the 3 most important people in her
life. If I had not come into her life, she would not be in this dire
situation. I know that I probably messed up in court as I was a
witness, having to defend my Bipolar as though my Bipolar was
inherently me. Without me the husband would not of got so vicious and
angry. I feel responsible for her loss and this is killing me. She has
been told to move out of the home in a months time that she designed
and built. I can’t and almost don’t want to think about what she is
going through because I feel the pain, I feel the sickness and despair,
moreover because I have internal conflicts going on.

Yesterday morning I has planned, as momentarily difficult it would
of been for me, to go up to the High Court and be there for Anna. Yet,
yesterday morning was when I heard from my mother how terribly ill my
father had become. Immediately I felt trapped, that I was already
letting Anna down… I was in no doubt I would also let my parents down
as emotionally I am really fucked up and consumed by my own feelings of
humiliation, despair and anger at the failure of my business, which is
seeing my lifeline being torn and shredded. Without this I am stuffed
and in no position to help anyone let alone myself.

My mind is all over the place, constantly engaging
in itself with internal conflict, anger, frustration, pain, guilt and
hopelessness.

I have tried so hard this year to pull myself together, to come off
my medications, which in itself has been one massive challenge, having
gone through side affects after side affects and more recently
withdrawal symptoms after withdrawal symptoms.

I have trying so hard to not let myself sink into self pity, and I
have pleased myself on my strength to tackle the medication issue on my
own, and to a degree, it has worked. But I am not feeling sorrt for
myself, if this comes over as I am, then I am not. I am just a realist,
and the facts are in this post. This would ‘try’ anyone, I know that
for sure. Yet I am SO self conscious about not wanting to feel sort for
myself that that in itself is causing me some of the internal problems
I am facing now… I expect to be strong for everyone and for
everything and because I am not able to do, even though I am really
trying to be… this is what is causing my logic board to fry. Am
overheating…

Yet this is the time when I ‘have’ to be strong, stronger than at
any other point in my life… I just don’t have it. Maybe for one
crisis, but not all 3. No way, I just do not have it in me. I can feel
it, I can feel the edge crumbling, and having to step back just another
inch or so, only for it to crumble some more. At some point I can’t
back away any further and this is close to me now.

I desperately want to be strong for Anna as this has to be the most dire time of her life, yet I just don’t feel I can.

I do feel I have let her down on many fronts. I promised myself that
I would look after her and work hard to ensure she wouldn’t have to
relive her ‘povety stricken ‘childhood’, yet with my eBay business in
tatters, I feel I can’t even manage that anymore.

I don’t even feel I have the strength to be able to ration out my
emotions anymore, to share and prioritize at key moments. It’s all one
mess to me.

The hardest thing is knowing that
both my parents and Anna are living their own very personal hell, and I
also have my own issues, yet these people are intrinsic to my life,
people that in normal day-to-day situations you would support and
possibly put your own problems on the side-line. Fact is, I just can’t
do that. Who do I speak to? Who do I tell how bad I am feeling? The
very people I would, or anyone usually would be able to have their own
problems… I feel weak for even considering I can tell them ‘what
about me?’. What do I do? I need to be OK to deal with everything, ,you
need to be strong in yourself to be strong for others.