Creativity, Expression and Depression. All for one and one for all!

Thing is. Blogging is all very well when you are on form, have ideas buzzing, constructive things to say, opinions to preach, religious frustrations, awe inspiring sites to review and gossip to advertise. Wonderful when you are feeling great, fresh faced and physically invigorated. Where motivation and enthusiasm are your daily word’s of the day.

But the very nature of my own little area of expertise, the unpredictable and insidious illness that is Depression makes for a troubling and frustrating combination. The very depths of despair would make for pretty exciting reading, powerful and full of emotion, just what some readers of Blogs want.

Personally, I have much to say, but can’t always face it…

For me though, when I am at the entrance to my own personal pit of terror and despair, when the emotions are most powerful, when the thoughts in your head make for X-rated viewing/listening, that even your own internal censorship sensor baulks at… the last thing I want to do is to re-live what I was thinking last night or even more challenging, re-live and acknowledge what is happening right now.

Creativity and depression seem to be a joint deal, barely one or the other.

It’s as much to get through the day, let alone sit at a computer and pour all these powerful thoughts and emotions out through my fingers onto a keyboard. As much as it would make for pretty miserable and ‘pitty me’ reading, I just don’t have the desire to do so. It would be like this…

“Hey, you over there. I am really depressed and miserable and this is exactly how I am feeling, thought I should tell you now whilst I can.”

Yeah, really.

Then I try and promise myself that once things are a little more ‘PG’, I will remember these thoughts and emotions, sit down at my iMac and write as though I was experiencing them all over again. But that does not work either for me, I might as well be lying to you face-to-face, might as well tell you a bunch of made up crap and say…

“Hey you. was feeling really down yesterday and although I was too depressed to come and see you and tell you at the time. I am better now and still able to convey to you the extremely emotional feelings as though I was feeling them now.”

I have a problem with that as well. I think too much I know, but I struggle to find a balance that allows me to effectively communicate the intensity of Depression in a format that makes for ‘good’ reading. It’s Blogging emotions, not anyone elses, and that’s what I really try to remember when I sit down and write.

I just don’t always manage it and end up quoting someone else or just re-posting a old Blog entry I made 2 months ago. Which I feel guilty for…

Emotionally don’t give a damn about the things I should do and usually come naturally to me. Physically and psychologically numb as a frost bitten corpse ravaged by time and pollution.

That aside, I know that one of the ‘good things about Graham’ is that I can write well, at least descriptively, maybe not grammatically correct, save that for the virtual editor. There is potential for me to come up with some incredibly powerful writing if I could just ‘tap’ into those emotions at the time and face the challenge of re-living them or harder still, write them as I am feeling them.

That would be my ‘wish’. That would be my request to whoever it is who is unfortunate enough to become my next therapist.