My Book - 3rd Page - ‘BiPolar-A mind torn between extremes’
You should see Fermoy do this frantic shift in direction. Fermoy; my
part time dog, my son. He’s a Lurcher, more greyhound than anything
else. Jet black coat, and a very regal look to him. Handsome and
sensitive. He is just like me all over!
You should see Fermoy do this frantic shift in direction. Fermoy; my part time dog, my son. He’s a Lurcher, more greyhound than anything else. Jet black coat, and a very regal look to him. Handsome and sensitive. He is just like me all over! When we go for a trot in the park; to see him go, I never cease to get bored with watching him run. A sight to see, anyone else down the park at the time will just stop and stare. He naturally runs in large arc’s, always coming back to me, bit like a boomerang I guess. Running towards you he takes on all the characteristics of a race bread greyhound, teeth showing with a mad devil look in his eyes.
There I go again, sure I could write pages on my dog, I probably will at the end of it all, but that’s me done for the moment. Back to whatever I was talking about, so, some may call it ‘digressing’; whatever. I call it a total lack of being able to remain focused on one thing, unpredictable. Here’s the other irony, I hate unpredictable, it just does not sit right with me. When other people are concerned I need order and everything to be expected. I am a fanatic time keeper, hate to be late for anything with anyone. Yet my own mind is just a mess of jumbled up crap.
God sake, I just can’t focus on the task in hand. I was talking about ‘looking’; ‘eye contact’; ‘showing a visible interest in someone else’. I think ‘unpredictable’ will be another paragraph, chapter, memoirs whatever. Back to eye contact, or lack of it. This person said one night out of the blue, that he found it a little disconcerting that whenever he talked to me I wouldn’t look at him, usually past or through him. When I talked, and more, when I would be thinking or something; I would look up to the left or right.
This was one of those, ‘do I really?’ moments. I had no idea and then the realisation that how many people have I pissed of with this apparent lack of interest? That really upset me, it’s all past, things done and dusted, but even so, I couldn’t help but think I had left a trail of people feeling disconcerted with me. The reality was far from that, but on the surface it was not so obvious. It just showed a selfish, self-obsessed attitude-this was something that was one of many soon to be; ‘do I really?’.
So as with all things what followed would be a total pre-occupation of this very behaviour. I think it was good that it was mentioned, he did so in a decent way, not at all destructive but I took it bad anyway. Another personal failing, another reason why I was a bad person, yet another reason to create a sinking mud feeling, just cannot escape from it. I have never been the same since, always aware of it and to be honest, my eye contact is pretty much spot on now. It did get to a point where I would be aware that I was over doing it, thus making people feel uncomfortable and ‘they’ would look away. Which then fed my dominant thought, they are not interested in me, they looked away, point proven, they are bored. So why bother talking and looking.
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Posted: December 6, 2006 at 3.44 pm Filed under Blogging and tagged under Bookmark the Permalink
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2 Comments
December 6, 2006 at 10.17 pm
The saying goes “the eyes are the windows to the soul”. Perhaps, if the soul is in turmoil, the eyes seek to hide it, unconsciously. Rather like battening down the hatches - with the hatches down one can’t look out on the storm but the storm can’t get in either. Once the storm is lifted a little, the eyes can start to open the windows again.
I liken it to sailing; I’ve sailed across the sea to Guernsey and back over 3 rain-drenched nights where the rain was lashing across my face so badly all I could feel was a stinging, whipping sensation. I couldn’t see a damned thing except water, rain, more water, waves……….gave me plenty of time to think though…….and think…………and think………
If I had been able to see all that time, I wouldn’t have been thinking, I would have been looking at the scenery, talking to the other crew, watching the birds flying, looking at the shapes in the clouds…….distracted,not thinking.
So, if the eyes are the windows to the soul and the soul is a storm, best concentrate on thinking your way through the storm and learn more about yourself just from taking that time to think. When the storm clears again, you’ll be wiser and the windows will be opened to a more interesting soul. No-one would be bored………..except those who have little or no insight into inner storms……….
December 7, 2006 at 2.42 am
Hello,
I am the editor of Invisible Fire Journal. A journal for artists and writers with or related to a person with a mental illness. At the moment, we are looking for submissions of writing (essays, poetry, memoirs, short stories) and art (artwork and photography). If you would be interested in submitting, please go to http://www.invisiblefirejournal.com
Jane Thornfield, Editor