Its like Groundhog day, but not really.
STUMBLE Me
Everywhere around me, reminds me of everything I just cannot escape
from or work with or accept. Where I sleep, where I live, where I run and walk, where I cycle, where I drink, where I… .just am.
Seaford’s becoming
like a roundabout to me now, or my own GroundHog Day special.
Things that I have experienced and
suffered in the last year especially, all documented on here,
significantly my Fathers death, are not allowing me to move on. I am
trapped in the same emotions of resentment, anger, hatred that I had
when I experienced them at the time.
It’s like I am stuck on some DVD
scene selector, constantly revisiting the same scenes and emotions… and taking the
emotions with me, which ofcourse only get more stronger, the more you
allow them to fester yada yada yada.
All these rantings are just the tip of the iceberg, there is stuff I just cannot talk about. That terrifies me.
I
want out. End of, move on, move out… I do, I really do. But
apparently I cannot. It’s put up or shut-up so it would clearly seem
right now. Put up with it like everyone else, your not so special.
3 comments ↓
You are special. Remember that. It’s not always clear for those of us with BPD. It’s obvious to those who love us.
cp.
Graham, I don’t believe in cannot. Everything is within you if you want it to be.
I am seriously thinking about moving abroad and when I mentioned it to some of the family they said it was too late and I’d be silly to do so. Not so, as soon as I get on my feet again after my op I shall be looking in to it. Yes it scares me a bit because its a big step but its within me to do it as it is within you to shape the path you want to take.
I agree get rid of all the self help books I never thought they were any good. We all know what is good for us its just sometimes our thoughts become clouded and we think irrationally at times.
I’ve been where you are now, I used to think no one understood what I was going through and unbeknown to the family I tried to take the ultimate way out. I’m glad I failed. It took a long time to get through it and it wasn’t easy but as soon as I confided in people I was able to deal with things in a more rational manner.
Share your thoughts mate with someone anyone, no one will be judgemental. Never run away with the idea you are either abnormal or alone, you are neither.
I think you have had some bad advice down the line and I agree again its time to clear the decks and get back to basics. Some tough decisions will need to be made and it is a question of whether you are strong enough to make them. I belive you are.
I’m proud to be able to call you my nephew and you have been a credit to your father. Ask yourself what he would want you to do and I think you know the answer to that.
I’m always here for you, call any time or come and have a coffee.
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