Emotionally numb - Mood Rating System Part 2

Take tonight for example. A friday night. Back in my former life,
before my diagnosis and whilst in full time work, Friday nights were my
‘life’. I lived for Friday night and would drink and drink and dance.
Twas the few moments when I could shake the shackles of misery and
sadness and become a confident and lively 33 something.

Today and this evening:
5 – Not depressed but not joyful either, in a state of existence,
“emotionally numb,” no suicidal and/or homicidal ideations, no
monitoring necessary, some ability to function, borderline mood
(potential for instant change to a 4 or 6)

Although worryingly, I have had fleeting thoughts of just wanting out. Just so bloody fed-up with this continual merry-go-round of f****d up emotions. It’s draining me no end and I am at that point, again, where I just feel nothing will improve considerably to make it worth fighting for. Am out of ‘umph’. Out of motivation for grappling with the horns of my insidious ‘other’ deep bread messed up emotional personality.

Now I struggle with doing anything. I am due to meet a friend for a
drink tonight in time, but this whole process has been a challenge. I
really do not want to, feel the urge to or desire to go out. Part of it
is that I know I ought not to drink, something I have religiously stuck
to for almost a year now. But I convinced myself that I ought to give
myself a break and go out and do something like getting drunk and sod
the consequences. I know it will f••k me up tomorrow and probably for the next few weeks, so is it worth it?I have tried to motivate myself to this end today,
trying my old routine of buying some Redbull and vodka. Am now on my
3rd tin of Redbull and enough Vodka to do the trick but am feeling
mostly nothing. Not even a hint of light headedness or drunkness.

This quota of alcohol should be ample.

Nothing.

I need to get a little tipsy to make the thought of walking into a
busy pub a little more enticing.Just nothing, no feelings no joy no
nothing. Just the dread of a hectic busy night of smoke and loud
noises, stimulation overload.

But I have to go out, I made plans so that I would be forced to go and
not take the easy option of staying in and having myself for company…
again.

I am not even confident that things will change once I am out and my fear is that I will be the ‘worse’ company for my friend this evening, which just confounds my reluctance to go out.

Go out I shall. Now on 4th tin of Redbull and enough Vodka to make my face cramp with the bitterness. Please just allow me to get a little tipsy and a little drunk.