Diary Entry: 19.11.2006

Can’t shake this intense feeling of disorientation-the best way I can describe it is imagine when you spin round, round round and around then suddenly stop. You get that really horrible feeling of wanting to tip over, your equilibrium is shot. I have this now and again and usually put it down to either not enough food or lack of sleep. Today though it has been terrible, certainly not safe to drive as every time i move my head or look around I feel disorientated. So i used my bike today and this was no better, if anything worse. Felt I was going to tip over or faint. Have eat well, swim pretty much everyday, walk the dog etc.

I know I have a lot on my mind, my Fathers worsening health and
another court day at the High Court in a weeks time. I talk about this
in previous posts. Also I am unable to be with Anna, whom I love so
very much, yet I feel so isolated, disjointed and detached from her
life. Im here in Seaford, nr Brighton and she is still living in
Kingston, London-still with the husband who is making all our lives
miserable. How on  earth two parents who are going through the most
acrimonious custody battle and divorce can live in the same home with
the 3 children is beyond me.  Anna is unable to leave for legal and
emotional reasons, as much as she wants to, with the children of
course. I never know when and for how long we will see each other.

I have a lot of underlying anxiety, pretty severe insomnia to boot.

But today the disorientation has been very bad and with it is a pins
and needles feeling in my head eyes, arms and hands. I just wish I
could pinpoint the trigger for it, but I can’t. It is not usually
predictable. I have pretty much every coping strategy in place and my
consultant agrees that I am doing pretty much all I can do to manage
things. Keeping in close contact with my consultant, saw him yesterday
for a talk about things and also will be seeing him next Saturday.
Feels better knowing that there is at least one person who I know knows
my history and is able to correctly identify what needs to be done RE
medication.

I am trying to be emotionally strong for my mother and father and
Anna, but I feel unable to offer the support they so desperately need
as I feel drained myself, and the guilt is crippling. I try to keep
things in perspective but it does not help, I expect to be strong for
those around me and I must just get on with life.

If it was that simple.

It is so in your face it makes getting on with day-to-day stuff very hard.