1st Page - ‘Bi Polar-A mind torn between extremes’

This is a work in progress, it is actually very painful to think and re-live some of these thoughts, but every now and again it gives me some opportunity for relflection and allows myself to take a step back and look at how far I have come…

I make no apologies for my obvious inability to use the Spell Checker and my rather abrubt use of grammer.

But like I say, it’s a work in progress.

Bi-Polar: A Mind Torn Between Extremes

“Graham? Any one there?”

Silence. Nothing to say, don’t know what to say. Come to think about it I don’t know what I am thinking if you can call it that. To me, thinking implies a will to choose what you are allowing to enter your brain, some sort of order, every thought neatly lines up ready for it’s turn to hit the spotlight, center stage. Im not thinking, not even close to it.

Thoughts racing, no sense I can make from any of them. This precise moment, right here and right now I am numb but frantically searching for something, no idea what, not even sure I will know if I do find it, no trust in me, no faith. Nothing.

My thoughts are not even thoughts any more.

The hurricane within the eye of the hurricane seems to be whipping up one hell of a swell, not able to keep head above above the foam, but Im not sinking… caught in this flux of choking and drowning.

Faced with the local shipping news, the weatherman seems to have got this one right./ Great, why can’t he be wrong on this one.

The problem with me, one amongst many so I have been lead to believe is that I feel the insanely frequant urge to justify everything I say and do to anyone who actually cares to listen.

And herein lies the irony, the one person listing is the one person who is going to shape my life from this very point. I am sure he himself does not even know the influence and power he has in his hands.

Take this book-who am I kidding, it’s not a book but I have made some progress
And you, you reading these words, I feel even the need now to justify what I am saying, writing right now here in Café Nero. It is hard to give credit to people when you don’t credit yourself. I felt the need to explain pretty much most things I don’t know what I mean, am thinking-if I do not know I really can’t be expecting you to know what I mean. Know what I mean?

Please excuse me, I do not wish to patronise you, this is my problem, my issues, my life. My thoughts, my opinions I am here writing, it feels good to write. It is my choice, finally I have a choice-the freedom to trust in me if I so choose, cut me some slack.

That concludes first installment, more to come soon. Or sooner if you ask nicely.